Well well well.....

A very deep subject..... 

It's been over a year.  Seriously!

Where has the time gone? So many things have changed yet so many things have stayed the same.  

I'm still married, still monogamous, still somewhat active in the online communities as an observer only.   I have been able to reduce my libidinous needs by 90% or greater due to some medication I'm using to help with focus and a form of agitated depression.  My wife is much happier about the lack of sexual advances although she'll never admit it.  She does, however, admit that the 99% reduction in my explosive tendencies have greatly enhanced our relationship.   She's free to be independent, I'm free to do whatever I do, typically by myself.  The scars over my heart are still there as they are for my wife after 20 years of a bitter sexual power struggle.  Sometimes when I think it would be nice to make love I recall all the times she rejected me and I just say "what's the point?", it hurt then, it's going to hurt now, why bother with the pain? So I relent, I give up without even starting.  I'll tell you, my dear reader, that there is a true sense of power felt when you are the one saying "NO" and your mate is left wondering what happened.  I guess, in some weird way, I just don't care anymore.

With that being said, I would love nothing more than our life together to be the kind of life long love story about which songs are written.  I would really like our mutual desire to be reignited and to relearn how to love each other again.  Nothing would please me more.  But, I've hurt her badly.  Too badly it seems.  My consequence for that injury is an injury unto myself.  My heart is scarred in much the same way as hers and it causes me to resist the urge to approach her.  When I see her from across a crowded room my heart still skips a beat yet I can't allow her to see it so I play it down.  Ever the cool one I must be.  Is this really the upper hand? Do I really want the upper hand? At this point I guess I don't care anymore.... I just want the pain to stop and I want to find joy in my life again in some form.  

...to be continued...